The quest for homemade Mayonnaise

I had a tea date with my friend Carol and I offered to bring the sandwiches. I mulled for days over what kind I would make. I finally decided on cheese and onion; egg salad; smoked salmon with cream cheese; chicken salad and cream cheese and cucumber. Unfortunately, many things worked against me:
1. I didn't have time to prepare the night before
2. Ariana stayed up late so didn't wake up until late so we were 1.5 hours late for our 10:30 date
3. Nica ate all the mayonnaise.

Say what?! ALL the mayonnaise you say? yup. All of it. And it was boxing day so a lot of shops were closed. But have no fear. I had eggs. 5 of them. I had watched loads of youtube videos about making homemade mayonnaise. How hard could it be since I have a fancy new food processor (Merry Christmas to me).

Well, it's hard.

Attempt #1 after watching Gordon Ramsay make it on youtube:
Result: FAIL. I put three egg yolks and a bit of dijon mustard in the food processor. Whirred it for a bit and then added sunflower oil VERRRRRRRRY slowly. The end result was a gross mess. Super runny and it didn't emulsify. Tossed it down the toilet. Figured I must have added the oil too slowly and overwhipped it.

Attempt #2 after watching this guy on youtube:
Result: FAIL again in the food processor. I used up one more egg. Still runny and gross. Tossed it down the toilet.

Attempt #3 after deciding I would hand mix it and use lemon juice instead of mustard to stabilize the yolks initially. I whisked and whisked. The husband at this point had woken up. He tried to give me advice by telling me how it didn't look right and it was too runny and how I should whisk it until it was thicker. Lemme tell you something... NOT helpful! Well, definitely not helpful when I'm down to my last egg, my last bit of sunflower oil and out of time for a lunch date. So I threw it all at him and told him to do it and retreated to my bedroom. Yes, I am that mature. He came in a little while later and you know what? He had beautiful mayonnaise in the bowl. I reluctantly took it and mumbled thanks and went on making my sandwiches (clearly I didn't have any eggs leftover for egg sandwiches so I just used it for the chicken salad instead). The husband tried to tell me that the secret was whisking in the same direction. I thought that was total baloney since it really shouldn't make a difference what direction you whisk it in. Eggs are eggs. At the molecular level it doesn't care which direction it's being beat from.

Successful thick mayonnaise!

So a few days later I found myself needing mayonnaise again. I am lazy enough that I wanted to try an appliance to make this stuff so I didn't have to use my arm muscles whisking. The food processor was getting one last chance. I added two eggs and a splash of lemon juice and dijon mustard and watched the processor go. This time I watched it more closely to see if it was actually mixing everything together. And... it wasn't. I have an 11 cup food processor and the blades weren't reaching the yolk/juice/mustard mixture. It was just splashing it around or just beneath the blade. So I tossed in another yolk to see if the slightly larger volume would help the blades grab it. Nope.

Beater Blade

So I scooped everything out of the food processor and put it into my kitchenaid mixer bowl. Used the wire whisk attachment and turned it on. Still not enough volume for the whisk to grab onto the liquid. So I took it off and whisked it by hand while slowly adding the sunflower oil. Much better. By hand seemed to do the trick. When the volume had increased enough, I thought I'd try the stand mixer again. The whisk attachment seemed kind of useless so I used the flat beater instead. Worked beautifully - I could control the whisking speed and it picked up all the mix. I should note that I don't ever use the Kitchenaid flat beater that comes with the stand mixer. I bought this after market beater blade that has silicone sides that help scrape food along the sides of the bowl for thorough mixing and it is worth every penny I spent on it (~$30).

I am definitely going to try this again with my kitchenaid in the future and forget about the food processor. That appliance is awesome, but not for mayonnaise.